DRINKER'S TROUBLESHOOTING CHART PROBLEM SYMPTOM CURE ______________________________________________________________________________ | | | | | Drinking fails to | Mouth not open while | Buy another pint and | | give satisfaction | drinking or glass being | practice in front of | | and taste: shirt | applied to the wrong | mirror. Drink as | | front wet. | part of the face. | many as necessary | | | | until technique is | | | | perfected. | | | | | |_____________________|_____________________________|________________________| | | | | | Drinking fails to | Glass empty. | Find someone who | | give satisfaction | | will buy you another | | and taste: beer | | pint. | | unusually pale and | | | | clear. | | | | | | | |_____________________|_____________________________|________________________| | | | | | Feet cold and wet. | Glass being held at | Turn glass the other | | | incorrect angle. | way up so that open | | | | end is pointing | | | | towards the ceiling. | | | | | |_____________________|_____________________________|________________________| | | | | | Feet warm and wet. | Incorrect bladder | Go and stand next to | | | control. | the nearest dog - | | | | after awhile complain| | | | to the owner about | | | | it's lack of house | | | | training. Demand a | | | | pint as compensation.| | | | | |_____________________|_____________________________|________________________| | | | | | Bar blurred. | You are looking | Find someone who will| | | through the bottom | buy you another pint.| | | of your empty glass. | | | | | | |_____________________|_____________________________|________________________| | | | | | Bar swaying. | Air turbulence is | Insert broom handle | | | unusually high - may | down back of jacket. | | | be due to darts match | | | | in progress. | | | | | | |_____________________|_____________________________|________________________| | | | | | Bar moving. | You are being carried | Find out if you're | | | out. | being taken to | | | | another pub - if not | | | | complain loudly that | | | | you are being | | | | hijacked by the | | | | Salvation Army. | | | | | |_____________________|_____________________________|________________________| | | | | | You notice that | You have fallen over | If your glass is | | the wall opposite | backwards. | still full and no | | is covered with | | one is standing on | | ceiling tiles, | | your drinking arm, | | and has a | | stick it out. If | | fluorescent strip | | not, get someone to | | across it. | | help you up and lash | | | | you to the bar. | | | | | |_____________________|_____________________________|________________________| | | | | | Everything has gone | You have fallen over | See above. | | dim: you have a | forwards. | | | mouthful of dog-ends| | | | and broken teeth. | | | | | | | |_____________________|_____________________________|________________________| | | | | | Everything has gone | The pub is closing. | Panic. | | dark. | | | | | | | |_____________________|_____________________________|________________________| | | | | | You have woken up | You have spent the | Check your watch to | | to find your bed, | night in the gutter. | see if it's opening | | hard, cold and wet. | | time. If not treat | | You cannot see your | | yourself to a lie | | bedroom walls or | | in. | | ceiling. | | | |_____________________|_____________________________|________________________|